In sharing my story I hope to ease the difficult conversation of miscarriages. It can be a very emotional topic and uncomfortable to talk about. I hope I can offer you support. If you feel alone or need someone to talk to, I am here for you. I never thought a miscarriage would happen to me, but the reality is, they are so unbelievably common. 1 in 4 of us will have a miscarriage but it doesn’t make it any easier to endure. I hope we can stand together, rather than alone; I hope we can help lift each other up when we’re feeling down; I hope we can understand that it’s not our fault, there’s nothing wrong with us, and we are not failures.
Chris and I started trying for our second baby this past September. I got pregnant with Wes right away, so I assumed that’s how it would happen again. It didn’t take long, but it wasn’t on our first try like last time. The first month of trying, I was a week late and we were both convinced I was pregnant but the “positive” test never came. Finally, a week late, my period came. I was upset but also figured I could use the extra month to tie up loose ends before being hit with pregnancy exhaustion. The second month of trying, my period come a week early. “What is going on?!,” I thought. The third month I used a different ovulation tracker, plus ovulation strips and got a positive sign the first day of my missed period!
Chris was absolutely thrilled. I was also happy to be growing our family, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared for what to expect for life with two! For the next 3 weeks we began telling friends and planning for the arrival of our second child.
I kept waiting for the pregnancy symptoms to arrive but they never did. I felt great! I told Chris and a few friends that I actually felt worried that something was wrong because I felt so good. I asked the Doctor if I could come in before 10 weeks but they said 8 weeks was the earliest they would see me unless I was considered high risk, so I put my concerns in the back of my mind. Looking back now, I should have urged them to see me. Deep down I knew something was wrong. When I was pregnant with Wes I didn’t have morning sickness but I was winded, tired and knew I felt different. This time there was nothing. Not one sign.
At 7 weeks pregnant we had our Christmas party where we announced to family and friends that we were expecting a baby! We were going to finish announcing to family on Christmas and share the news with everyone else after that.
I made the decision to tell people that I was pregnant very early. I consider myself an open book and wanted to celebrate the good news with all my family and friends this holiday! I know many people usually wait until 12 weeks pregnant, when the chances of miscarriage are much lower. I can understand that; everyone has to be fully ready when it comes time to announce their pregnancy. However, I feel that many women refrain from telling people they’re pregnant in fear they might have a miscarriage. And if and when they do have a miscarriage, they suffer silently, wishing there were more outlets for support, more information, and more openness about what they’re going through. I made the choice to tell people I was pregnant, in the event I have a miscarriage, I would have a strong support system from friends and family and also be able to offer support to other women going through the same thing. To be completely honest, I never thought I was going to have a miscarriage. You hear about these things all the time but never think it’ll happen to you. I’m young, healthy, and fit, theres no reason why I wouldn’t have a normal, healthy pregnancy. *Insert foot in mouth here.* I quickly learned miscarriages can happen to anyone.
Unfortunately things took a turn for the worse. I woke up feeling fine the morning after our big Christmas party announcement but in a split second I was curled up in a ball on my bathroom floor with extreme cramping and hot flashes. “Maybe these are the normal pregnancy symptoms I’ve been waiting for. I’m not spotting or bleeding so everything should be fine”, I thought. I didn’t want to overreact so I waited it out a little longer. After about 40 minutes I could barely stand up and was in excruciating pain so Chris and I went in to the ER.
They began with a regular ultrasound and found fluid (which turned out to be blood) in my stomach. They offered me morphine for the pain but I didn’t want to take anything that could potentially harm the baby. I wanted to know exactly what we were dealing with before taking any medications. Yes I was in extreme pain but I could hold out a few more minutes.
“What are possible things it could be?” I asked.
“Ovarian cysts (which I’ve had in the past), appendix, ectopic pregnancy”, The Doctor answered.
I stayed hopeful that it wasn’t ectopic and was completely unrelated to the baby.
They took my blood pressure numerous times because they didn’t think it was correct. It read 90 and they couldn’t give me any morphine unless it rose to 100 so they hooked me up to two IVs and tried to get fluids in me.
We were about to go in for an ultrasound to see my uterus but on our way to there, things went south. I started feeling nauseous and dizzy. I wasn’t sure if I was going to pass out or throw up, but I wasn’t feeling good. They pulled me right out of the elevator and said they’re skipping the ultrasound and going right in for emergency surgery. They checked my blood pressure again, it was down to 70, and from what they told me later, my body was as white as a piece of paper.
At that moment everything happened so fast. I was on a different floor being wheeled in for emergency surgery. I had one second to say goodbye to Chris and as they brought me into the room, tears rolled down my face. I was terrified.
They woke me up a few hours later but it felt like only two minutes had gone by. They explained to me that the baby was in my Fallopian tube, it ruptured, filled with blood and was bleeding into my stomach. I lost 2 liters of blood and needed a blood transfusion. The Doctor said the baby was extremely close to the worst place it could have been. She also said what I went through was equivalent to a gunshot wound.
Luckily I went to the hospital when I did. Had we waited or were unable to get to a hospital, I may have died.
After the surgery they kept me for the rest of the day but said I could go home after they monitored me and checked my blood a few more times. It was painful to move, hard to get up, even harder to try to go to the bathroom. It actually felt a lot like the first day recovering from my C-section. Every thought about what happened made tears fall from my face. I just wanted to be home to hold Wes. Thankfully my mom was home taking good care of him. We were discharged around 9pm, missed bedtime but would be there to see him first thing in the morning.
I was told I wouldn’t be able to lift or carry him for about a week, not able to workout for a few weeks and need to rest as much as possible. But the good news is I should be able to have a normal pregnancy after this. I don’t want to have to wait to try for another, but I’m terrified it could happen again. Because the fallopian tube was completely removed and my pregnancy with Wes was completely normal, I shouldn’t have an issue the next time. But the thought still terrifies me.
The first day after surgery was still painful, emotionally and physically. The emotional part is weird. One minute your fine and out of no where something triggers you and you’re a sobbing ball of emotions. Thankfully, having help from my friends and family help keep my spirits up and distract me from sinking into my own negative thoughts.
The Dr who saved my life.
Two days after surgery I had to go in for blood work to make sure the hcg levels were dropping and I’d have to go in again a week later. If the blood levels don’t drop, that could mean there are still pregnancy tissues left inside of me. Fortunately the first follow up blood work was good and hopefully the next will be too. During my follow up, I asked the doctor if the reason I didn’t feel any pregnancy symptoms was because the baby wasn’t growing in my uterus. She confirmed. Had I listened to my body and went in for a visit before my Fallopian tube ruptured, I could have avoided an emergency surgery and extreme pain. (That’s if I could have convinced the doctor to allow me to come in). One thing I’ve learned through this is to always trust your instincts. When something in your gut tells you there’s something wrong, you need to listen to that voice. No matter what. Going forward I will be considered high risk and will have to go in and monitor my hcg levels until the earliest we’re able to detect where the embryo is.
Now, a week later, I’m beginning to feel more like myself. I went out for a walk to clear my head and slowly start to move my body again. I would like to try to move on with my life but until I can pick up Wes, workout and do everything I’m used to doing, it’s like I’m still stuck in this nightmare. I’m still sad I lost the baby. I keep wondering if it was a boy or a girl, what their personality would have been like and what we would have named him/her. I’m grateful for Wes, he’s healthy and happy and having him here with me keeps me hopeful for another safe pregnancy. I’d like to start trying again once the doctor says its okay but part of me doesn’t think that I can handle the emotional and physical rollercoaster of it all; part of me thinks starting over is too much for my body. I wonder, how much can we handle? But I know our bodies are resilient and I know I can do this.
I’m so grateful for all the amazing people in my life. I’ve been shown love and support from so many people and it means the world to me. I’ve also learned about so many women who have dealt with similar issues that I had no idea about before. And I know there are many women who have struggled and overcame much more than I.
You never know what someone is going through or has struggled with in the past. So many of us are walking around each day as if things are completely fine, while on the inside we could be hurting, scared or dealing with serious trauma. I’ve come to learn it’s ok to not always be ok. It’s okay to grieve and let others help out. I think the best thing we can do is come together and show everyone around us a little more compassion. If you’re reading this and you need someone to talk to, I am always here for you.
